Posts tagged ‘bizarro social networking’

Only YOU Can Prevent Bizarro Social Networking!

Is Bizarro World really code for "the Internet"?

Over the last few weeks here at Summit Diary, we have covered Bizarro Social Networking tips designed to run off your friends and ruin your business! For those of you just joining us, here’s a list of earlier posts:

Bizarro Social Networking
(a.k.a. Me am a Smart Networker!)

Part 1 – The ill-advised adventure begins!
Part 2 – It gets worse!
Part 3 – Did anyone really read this far?!
Part 4 – Please make it stop!
Part 5 – Finally – the merciful conclusion!

So – where to from here?

How can we stop the bizarros from spreading? First a quick recap of the Bizarro Social Networking Rules:

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #1: Always talk about yourself!
Bizarro Social Networking Rule #2: Insult other people, their companies, their products and their services!
Bizarro Social Networking Rule #3: Always be sharing (nothing is off limits)!
Bizarro Social Networking Rule #4: Grrrr! Promote aggressively!
Bizarro Social Networking Rule #5: Like your own posts!
Bizarro Social Networking Rule #6: Friend everyone!
Bizarro Social Networking Rule #7: The internet is not real!
Bizarro Social Networking Rule #8: People love angry jerks!

And, just in case I was too subtle in my attempt to be humorous, the three priciniples underlying all Bizarro Social Networking rules are: People love me! People are dumb! Anything goes on the Internet!

It’s good to realize that, at times, we are all guilty of some bizarro behavior in real life and in the virtual world. And we have to recognize and respect that our friends and strangers can be guilty of it as well.

You know what? It’s perfectly ok for an occasional lapse. Everyone has an off day now and then or makes an ill-advised comment. Take a look at the track record before calling out bizarro behavior. If it’s a one-off, laugh it off and move on.

If it’s a pattern, beware!

If you see a pattern forming, you can choose to either confront the bizarro or run for your life. Speaking from experience: confronting bizarros rarely works. Bizarros dont know they are bizarros and won’t accept any other way of acting.

And bizarros will defend their behavior and think you are an idiot. (Remember this if someone calls you out for bizarro behavior…)

Also be aware that some bizarros adhere to all the rules and some follow only one or two of the rules. Some of my best friends are perfectly normal human beings but insist on posting pictures of everything in their life – meals, front yards, cars, vacations – or commit other bizarro behaviors on a regular basis. Personally, I love the use of a good exclamation mark!

Don’t be quick to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Ugh! Now there are two of them!

Now it’s up to you!

I’m asking for your help to stop the spread of bizarro behavior. Left to their own devices, bizarros *will* multiply!

I’m turning the microphone over to you and asking that you email me any and all bizarro behavior that you see out there on the great, sprawling morass that we call the Internet. I will collect and publish them as they come in and attribute you (or you can choose to stay anonymous).

Please send an email with subject line “Bizarro Social Networking” to pwolf@azamba.com and detail your pet peeve and how you feel non-bizarro’s behave. Also let me know if you want to stay anonymous otherwise I will assume it’s ok to attribute the tip to you.

Thanks for reading!

Hello, Bizarro Social Networking – I Must Be Going Now!

Follow Bizarro social networking tips and this could be you!

And now … our tear-filled final tip in this series of bizarro social networking skills.

Don’t lose hope though – we may be back at a later date. But the future depends on you! Come back one more time next post to see how you – yes, YOU!!! – can keep bizarro social networking skills alive and well.

If you haven’t been following along, click below to get up to speed:

Part 1 – The series begins!
Part 2 – More fun and exciting tips!
Part 3 – Milking it for the rapidly shrinking audience!
Part 4 – Truly, a pitiful, pathetic portrait of over-staying one’s welcome!

This brings us to:

Bizarro Social Networking
(a.k.a. Me am a Smart Networker!)
Part Five

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #8: People love angry jerks!

If you don’t like something someone says, make sure everyone knows! Get critical! Stomp your feet! Insult the other person’s ideas, their heritage, their height!

Shake a virtual stick at them and shoo them off! People love and respond to this treatment and will immediately see that you are right and they are wrong!

Non-bizarro behavior: It’s very rare for people to respond to attacks with anything except with anger or shutting down. Getting angry usually results in public flame wars which, while somewhat entertaining in a rubber-necking, car accident fashion, are not constructive nor clarifying. It’s difficult for a person to accept new ideas when they have been put on the defensive through a string of attacks. I’ve mentioned it before in this series and am doing so again here (I’m a big fan of it): How to Win Friends and Influence People. It’s a great read and I (along with millions of others out there) highly recommend it.

Here’s your exclusive behind the scenes look at the creation of Bizarro Social Networking!

Here's to you Bill!

I must apologize for putting you all through this.

In my defense, most of the blame for this series belongs squarely on the shoulders of this man: Bill Kizer. Bill is the mastermind behind the ever-growing Sage Employees, Partners and Alumni group on LinkedIn.

As part of that group’s activities, Bill approached me a few years back and asked if I would care to give a presentation at a local Chicago LinkedIn event. Being a glutton for punishment (like many folks, I generally don’t like speaking in public), I said yes.

Faced with growing irritation at friends and strangers down-right bizarre behavior on social networking platforms and fueled by desperation and an ever-looming deadline, the idea was born and grew from there.

Since then, Bill has been kind enough to give me a spot in his annual Sage Summit LinkedIn sessions where I have steadily refined the material. This is my long-winded way of saying: all complaints go to him!

Don’t join me one last time in our next jam-packed issue to find out how YOU can stop the spread of bizarros!

Back For More Bizarro Social Networking Tips? Too Bad!

Follow these laws if you want to be a great bizarro!

Good news for all: I’ve almost met my community service obligations which means these posts will be wrapping up very soon. For previous installments, please check out:

Part 1 – The action started here!
Part 2 – We built up steam with this installment!
Part 3 – Ok … not my best effort but thanks for coming back anyway!

The last we left off, I promised to disclose what the bizarro equivalent of a globe is. Well – I can’t explain why but the answer to this puzzler is … a cube. Humans live on a globe and bizarros live on a planet shaped like a cube. When I was young, I could never figure that one out. I always figured that they should live inside the earth since normal humans live on the outside of the earth.

Whatever … moving along …

Bizarro Social Networking
(a.k.a. Me am a Smart Networker!)
Part Four

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #6: Friend everyone!

Who wouldn’t want to be your friend! Send out links, requests to follow, friend requests to everyone! Friends of friends of friends!

People love you! Especially people that don’t know you except as a link on a third party’s message stream! Double especially if you follow other bizarro rules and are always talking about yourself and promoting yourself and sharing everything!

Non-bizarro behavior: Friends of friends won’t necessarily know you. They may know “of you” but they don’t have that personal connection. Bare minimum: send a personal note to people when you are asking them for a connection to let them know a bit about you and why you want to connect. Think about networking in the real world. You wouldn’t walk from person to person handing out cards and taking the other person’s without a bit of conversation first.

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #7: The internet is not real!

Ah! A typical night at my house!

Rules with social networking is different than real world networking! Don’t worry about other people’s needs, concerns, desires or feelings! It’s all about you!

Make connections! Talk about yourself incessantly! Tell people they are dumb and their products and services are horrible! It’s acceptable behavior on the internet!

Non-bizarro behavior: Use common sense (I provided a link there for those of you who need it). If you wouldn’t do it in a crowded room of friends (let alone strangers), think twice. Would you insult someone to their face? Would you walk up to strangers and start talking about what you can do for them before you know anything about them or their needs? I hope not.

Don’t join us next time for our final installment of tips designed to destroy your relationships!

Even Less Bizarro Social Networking to Scare Off Your Friends!

Relax Superman! Everyone's a bizarro here!

In our last exciting installment, I ran out the door promising the reason behind all! the! exclamation! marks! when! Bizarro! speaks!

In part, this is my attempt to ape the speech patterns of old comic books and, traditionally, the older books used exclamation marks to end almost every sentence. The theory is that the plain old period “.” would often get overlooked in the inferior printing processes back in the good ol’ days and you would wind up with a bunch of run on sentences. For any of you interested in more on this, take a look here.

Another reason that I’m using them so prevalently is that many folks that follow bizarro social networking rules are the same type that get overly excited and use exclamation marks to end sentences. So consider it my attempt at being subtle. The irony of the situation is that I tend to use exclamation marks in everyday emails and I find it difficult to not use them when posting to LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook, blogs, you name it.

The last reason that I’m using them is … it’s a lot of fun to use exclamation marks! Try it – you may like it!

Moving along …

Bizarro Social Networking
(a.k.a. Me am a Smart Networker!)
Part Three

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #4: Grrrr! Promote aggressively!

People want to hear about you and your products and your services at all times! Never hesitate or miss an opportunity to bring them up! Start new discussions about your awesome stuff every day!

People won’t get tired of this or think you are shameless! People will line up to speak with you and buy your services!

Non-bizarro behavior: The best way to build a reputation is by adding value to individual conversations and groups. People will seek you out if they know, like and trust you. Certainly, door-to-door salesman get their message out by interrupting people. They also get a lot of doors slammed in their face.

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #5: Like your own posts!

People am dumb!

 Always make sure people know that you like your own products and services and comments and posts! Always remember the basis of Rule #2 (insult other people, other companies, their products and their services)! People are dumb!

They won’t know that you like your own stuff unless you tell them! You must like your own posts to make sure they know! Dumb dumb dumb people!

Non-bizarro behavior: One would have to ask the question: if you didn’t like something, why would you post it? And if you are posting something that you disagree with … wouldn’t you make your position clear in the initial post comments? I look at it like patting yourself on the back after doing something decent. There’s a good chance that you will put off even your most ardent followers with this behavior.

My parole officer (it’s a long story …) just told me that I’m over my word count for this post so that’s it for today.

Forget to not come back and check for new Bizarro Social Networking tips soon! Special bonus next time: you won’t learn what the bizarro opposite of a globe is!

In the meantime, feel free to check out Part 1 and Part 2 of our series.

Read These Bizarro Social Networking Tips and Get Instantly Dumber!

Hooray! Me am not back for networking!

Back by popular demand (my wife thought they were mildly entertaining anyway), let’s continue our list of power-packed Bizarro Social Networking Tips begun yesterday! If you still aren’t getting how bizarros work, listen to Jerry Seinfeld explain it.

Bizarro Social Networking
(a.k.a. Me am a Smart Networker!)
Part Two

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #2: Insult other people, their companies, their products and their services!

Command respect when you tell other people that their ideas are dumb! And that their companies and services are horrible and no one should use them! Then apply Bizarro Rule #1 (alway talk about yourself) and tell them how your company and product and services are the best!

If people say you are rude, laugh at them for being dumb! Bizarro’s win lots of friends this way!

Non-bizarro behavior: Respect the fact that other people are entitled to their opinions. Shooting down those opinions isn’t the best way to get your point across. Try this approach instead. As my six year old says when I try to convince him to eat certain vegetables, “Dad, eveyone’s tastebuds are different and yours may like this but mine don’t.”

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #3: Always be sharing (nothing is off limits)!

A-B-C Always be chatting!

As a successful bizarro networker, you can never share too much information! What you had for dinner! Your dating troubles! What you had for lunch! Your latest online gaming obsession! The color and texture of that unseemly wart on your heel!

Yes – you may be talking to people that are complete strangers but they love to hear everything about your life! Never let the lack of anything to say stop you from updating everyone! Remember: people love you!

Non-bizarro behavior: This one is simple. If you have nothing on topic or of value to say it’s perfectly ok to stay quiet. Of course, each of us determines what we feel is “on topic” or “of value” so use your common sense. True story: I have a friend on Facebook who’s status one morning read “I have nothing to say right now. Strange.” You know what? It was strange as she usually has a new status update every 30 minutes.

Forget to not come back and check for new Bizarro Social Networking tips soon! Special bonus next time! You won’t learn why all bizarro sentences EXPLODE from the page with an EXCLAMATION MARK!!!!

Learn Bizarro Social Networking Rules Today and Network Worse Tomorrow!

Who wouldn't want to network with this guy?

I have a popular presentation on Social Networking that I have given at the last two Sage Summits and at a few networking events. By “popular”, I mean that I haven’t yet been boo-ed off the stage nor asked for my speaking engagement fees back. (Which, by the way, typically consist of something between nothing and a complimentary soft drink – just in case you are looking for a guest speaker at an upcoming event.)

Because I’m a generous guy and because these rules are particular pet peeves of mine, I figured I would share them here in this public forum with our thousands (hundreds? dozens?) of followers. 

The premise requires a basic understanding of Bizarro – basically a deviant Superman who does everything backwards.  So, if he sees you he says “Goodbye!” and when he leaves he says “Hello!”. Kind of like a walking talking version of “Hello, Goodbye” from the Beatles.

When I imagine my readers, I imagine smart people so I’m just going to go forward with the assumption that we’re all up to speed. With no further ado, I bring you:

Bizarro Social Networking
(a.k.a. Me am a Smart Networker!)

Bizarro Social Networking Rule #1: Always talk about yourself!

Every bizarro social networker knows that to be successful you must always talk about yourself and your company and your products! Even if the original topic was something unrelated, bring it back to you, you, you! After all… people love you!

If people try to politely change the topic, they are just shy about asking for more information about you! If they tell you to stop and go away, you know best! Remember: people love you!

Non-bizarro behavior: It’s really ok to lurk for a bit. Find out how the conversations go and what interests people befor jumping in. By all means participate with the realization that people are mostly interested in themselves and not you.

Forget to not come back tomorrow and learn more Bizarro Social Networking tips! You will regret it!