Till death do us part?
I have a friend who’s been married for over 20 years now. His wife is an amazing lady – beautiful, smart, dedicated – and has been a true friend and companion to him.
She has taken excellent care of him and their family.
She took on the responsibilities of being a homemaker – handling the finances, keeping up the house, cooking the meals, taking the kids to school, ensuring the kids grow up healthy and strong.
It’s a lot of work to make those tasks look easy.
If you ask her, she would say that she did it willingly – knowing that she fulfilled an essential role in the partnership. She took on these responsibilities and chores to ensure the overall well-being of the family.
She’s no saint though and wouldn’t suggest that she is. Just as he has benefitted from her taking on these tasks to free him to pursue other responsibilities for the family, she has benefitted as well.
He appreciated her playing this role and I can tell you without revealing any big secret that he wouldn’t be where he is today without her.
And man oh man … let me tell you – he has come a long way from his humble beginnings.
A lot of our mutual friends have commented for years on what a great relationship it is. A true partnership where they have built a wonderful life together.
Sounds perfect, right?
It was.
Early last year, he came to me and said he was re-thinking their relationship. Apparently she isn’t fulfilling his needs any more. Upon pressing him, it goes further than that. He feels that she is actively holding him back from reaching his life goals and objectives.
I can see how that happens after 20 years. Particularly in this fast-changing world we live in.
The problem is that instead of talking to her and figuring out a game plan that they both could live with, he has slowly started making changes in their lives to improve his own situation with no regard to her feelings or her life goals and objectives.
He changed the limit on their credit cards to ensure she is in line financially with his expectations. He replaced her leased car with a bicycle. He took over some of her closet space as his own.
Sure … he has his reasons for these moves ranging from sensical to downright bizarre (such as “other wives are asking for smaller closet space”).
Regardless.
The list of changes goes on and he isn’t done yet. He keeps making these unilateral moves that seem designed to weaken her and strengthen him.
Some of our mutual friends suggest that this all started when he began hanging out with a new crowd of single guys – most of which have not been in a mutually beneficial relationship for any real length of time.
And these new advisors don’t really understand why he can’t do whatever he wants however he wants whenever he wants to achieve his goals. They don’t see why he should have to consult with her – after all, they are *his* goals and dreams and they don’t see why her goals and dreams would impact that.
These guys are great, smart guys but, because of their backgrounds, our group of friends don’t think they have a solid understanding of the mutual benefits of what can be accomplished with a strong partnership and why he still needs her around. They speak the language but they just don’t seem to have the proper perspective.
I mean, let’s face facts here.
I love my buddy but he’s kind of let himself go to pot in a few areas.
He is grossly overweight these days, he smokes like a chimney and has developed a nasty, persistent cough. Even more dangerous to his future well-being, he’s never been a believer in keeping current on anything.
Don’t get me wrong – he’s a great guy in a lot of areas and has a lot to offer but I think he needs to do an honest assessment. And part of that assessment will show that she has been a key part of helping him succeed in spite of any perceived short-comings. And I would guess that she is critical to acheiving his new ambitions as well.
And what about her?
Well … it’s true that she has let herself get a little complacent over the years. She settled in to a comfortable rut and seems pretty happy with the status quo even though the world around her is changing (although she doesn’t like to hear that).
Putting that aside, she is still fit, looking great and sharp as a tack.
A lot of guys would love to be in a relationship with her and she regularly gets propositioned out of the blue. (I’m not suggesting these other guys are any better than my friend but the excitement of the pursuit and the chance of something new and better is very appealing to her.)
I don’t think he or his single friends that have not have a long-term partnership experience have thought that through all the way.
And with all the changes that he has been forcing upon her, she has become extremely uncertain about their future together. I’m sure that he’s heard it same as me – she is beginning to respond to some of the overtures and is flirting around with other guys. It’s just a matter of time before she does something irreversible.
Putting all that aside, I’m worried about their kids. I asked him point blank about this – what is he going to do about their kids they’ve had together?
He was pretty clear that he feels that they are his kids – not hers. That was shocking to me.
I’ve been to their family functions. They have a LOT of kids together. Some of the kids love their mom deeply. And, for sure, some love dad better. Regardless, the kids are going to be effected by these changes and I’m not sure it will turn out the way he thinks.
I guess we’ll see.
One thing is for certain though – if things keep going the way that they have been, it’s unlikely that she is going to have any more kids with him. As I said, odds are that she’ll be taking up with another guy and probably wind up with kids with her new man.
Look – I’m not naïve about the difficulties of marriage. I completely understand my buddy’s fear of the future and his desire to change in response to what he sees coming. I get it.
But … I think he’s going about it all wrong. Because he hasn’t had the courage to sit down and talk with his wife about his fears and his goals, he is risking losing her completely.
And it’s going to happen soon. Very soon.
Putting all appearances aside based on his actions, I know he truly doesn’t want that. Ok, he may not love her like he used to but he is the first one to admit that he still needs her to keep up the household and take care of the kids so they are happy and healthy.
(As an aside, I get the sense that he doesn’t understand exactly how much work it is to keep the current set of kids happy and healthy. He thinks she should be cranking out new ones all the time and can’t understand how she can have a fulfilling life without a regular batch of new kids. It seems to me that there is a lot of work just taking care of existing kids and plenty of opportunities to nurture them but I’m not sure he understands or believes.)
Do things need to change for both of them to have a prosperous, happy future? Yes. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Both sides will need to change and adapt to the current realities.
My recommendation to my friend is pretty simple: sit down face-to-face and plan a future together … or expect a future apart.
And don’t just talk.
Listen too. And be prepared to change your plans based on what you hear.
It’s simply not reasonable to re-define the relationship at this stage without any consideration to her dreams and goals.
Bare minimum, he has to understand that adopting a policy of steadily changing the rules without explaining or discussing them makes him seem insensitive, irrational and irresponsible. It really paints him in a bad light to her and to all their mutual friends and to the kids.
Personally, I wouldn’t treat anyone like that – particularly someone that has stood by me for years. I think it shows a serious lack of character on my friend’s part and it flies in the face of the great guy that I know he is and strives to be.
Either way, I can guarantee that if he keeps acting as if her views don’t matter, she will leave him. Soon.
I hope that doesn’t happen. I believe strongly that the two of them can achieve more by staying and working together than they can by drifting apart.
The ball is in his court now. Let’s see what he does with it.
For all I know, maybe he really doesn’t care. Maybe he has grown set on succeeding without her?
We’ll see.
If you have any advice for the troubled couple, please share it below.
Robert Wood
Wayne Schulz
Peter Wolf
The husband should tell the wife regularly that he has polled other wives and they all agree with the husband and think the wife is crazy to believe there’s anything wrong at all with his behavior.
If the wife doesn’t believe him, the husband should drain the bank account, move out and play the field.
I heard that it was too late – Rumor has it that she a took a new lover. She and the kids are moving into his villa next week. Apparently, the kids love the new guy too. He is exciting and takes them snowboarding and mountain climbing, while their dad just sat around watching TV reruns of the Brady Bunch. I’m not usually one to gossip, but that’s what I heard.
I knew it was bad but I thought there was still an opportunity to reconcile. I would like to keep hope alive for a while longer.
Not sure if this is the same guy but I heard the husband was spotted on dating sites where he has a dozen different profiles – all with a photo of him from 15 years (and 50 pounds) ago.
When the women meet him in person they pretty quickly see through the doctored up old photo.
Last I heard the husband was spotted at dinner with his buddies complaining about how choosy and stuck up women on those dating sites are.
Peter – that is a pretty sage assesment from my perspective. Your story sounds familiar and I hope your friends can find common ground. My wife happens to be a licensed psychologist she sees a lot of clients in this same type of situation. She says its heartbreaking to learn over and over again about partners in the marriage who either drift away or turn and run. For the loyal partner, they are often stunned, even paralyzed, when they learn that the person they loved has already checked out emotionally, and has no interest in finding common ground. I hear story after story with themes of one person moving on before the other person knows what happened.
Of course in the situation where there is reasonable hope for open and honest dialog she is a staunch advocate for making thing work. In those moments of conflict – most of us have been in them – the range of outcomes spans from forging a stronger bond then ever or sometimes, sadly, to ending the relationship.
I think that sometimes ending the relationship is not the worst thing. In fact in many cases that is just the ticket to finding a new path of happiness and fulfillment.
Great insights Paul. It’s hard to deny your wife’s analysis of the situation and the possible outcomes.
Peter, I think I know your friends as well. It’s so sad, but true. The one thing that you haven’t touched upon much, that perhaps should be your next blog – is more about what is happening with the children. I’ve heard that some of the children have been so concerned about what is happening between the partners, that they have decided to just go and find new parents, so they don’t get involved in the current drama, or have to deal with their parents dating others.
So true. I did mention that I was extremely concerned about the kids but you are correct – no one knows what they will do.
I know the husband thinks they will all want to stay with him but I don’t think it’s that simple. Especially the kids that haven’t spoken to him for years and don’t really seem to need anything he’s offering.
We’ll see.
The truth is, the children want what is best for themselves. And, frankly, they deserve it. None of them want to “default” to one parent or another, and neither parent has the right to claim the child. Many of the kids are fully grown, stable and independent. And, they are asking their friends for advice, instead of talking with either parent.
Peter, your friend needs to realize that it is rare for the Dad to win a disputed custody battle.
We don’t reallly know, do we? I think the real result is unpredictable, as Kristi stated above.
I just figured since your friend seemed uninterested in dialogue he might listen to statistics…and yes, the adult children can choose for themselves.
I’ve known couples like this. What’s shocking to me is the number of times that the wife will say “I know he isn’t going to change, so I guess I better figure out what changes I need to make to keep him around.” Denial runs strong in these situations.
I agree Phil.
At some point though I think denial is no longer an option. I think the wife is at that point in this relationship.
You lured me in with George Orwell’s mug! I agree about the sit down and discussion, but the analogy only goes so far. I mean, we’re called partners, but we aren’t quite partners.
@Rhonda – I think it depends on the couple’s willingness to work together. Certainly if one partner is making unilateral decisions as my friend is doing, it definitely seems that there is no basis for partnership any more.
It’s never a good thing when one side of a long-term relationship seems to think that they can unilaterally change the rules without consideration of their partner.
I would think anyone that has been in a long-term partnership would understand that is unacceptable and will have dramatic, far-reaching, unintended and unpredictable outcomes.
Sounds like my wife of 19 years who decided to leave me for another Woman. Maybe you can offer her sage advice as well.
I’m sorry to hear that Mark. I guess it seems that sometimes we just need to move on when we aren’t given choices.
When times are tough, it’s not unusual for a partner in a relationship to start daydreaming “what if”, and before you know it, they have their head in the cloud, er, clouds. And once you’re there, it’s hard to come back. Seriously great post Peter.
Thanks David. I only wish I had better news to write about.
I’m a fairly optimistic person but there is only so much you can do in a relationship like this. My friend is really looking bad here. I sympathize more with his wife at this point.
I know it sounds cliche, but in the end the kids will suffer the most. When there is turmoil in their parent’s relationship it is easy for them to go run with other crowds and seek attention elsewhere. Some may choose to follow other friends and distance themselves from their parents immediately while some it may take a few years to them to distance themselves but it is guaranteed to happen.
I actually heard from one of the kids that I know really well who was shook up and called the mother to tell her what the father was saying to them behind the mothers back. This kind of behavior will tear the kids apart and send them to their own doing.
Great words of wisdom Brian.
I didn’t even relay half of my friend’s behavior above. He told me that from now on (it started March 1st of this year) the kids are being required to go to him with birthday and Christmas gift requests. He claims it will help him keep better in tune with what they want.
The problem is that my friend doesn’t really realize how much responsibility this is and thinks he can handle this with little to no effort on his side. He is in for a painful surprise in the coming years.
A lot of the kids have been heard saying that they think dad does a poor job handling their requests and are quite resentful being forced to go to him.
It’s a real shame.
Peter, a great topic, sorry to hear about your friend, oddly I feel like I know what they are going through. I have heard that in most situations like these, the kids really don’t know or relate to the father that well, because he is gone at work all day and only brings home the groceries. They relate better to the mother who takes care of them all day and takes those groceries and makes something warm and comforting out of the groceries. And as the kids reflect, they may realize that Dad just provides the noodles and it’s really Mom who makes it a delicious Mac-n-Cheese dinner.
I agree Jim. A lot of us can relate to his situation.
The problem is my friend oddly thinks he can acheive his goals by excluding his wife completely from the decision making process. It seems that if he was playing smart, he would have included her in on goal setting.
It reminds me of the Greek tragedies where hubris and over-confidence was the downfall of many men.
Consider a translation to French – this is a global story, not juist a North American one.
Interesting suggestion. I’ve considered it but everyone claims that French men aren’t interested in these perspectives.
I hope that’s not true. I’m going to keep the faith for a while longer and I hope others do as well.
Kick that guy’s butt out the door! He only has “me” on his mind. Or is that “moi”?
A lot of people have approached me with the same advice. I’m hoping my friend will understand what he’s going to lose before it’s too late.
This dude is a dinosaur, and it’s clear the wife is already seeking a better quality relationship elsewhere. Good luck to her!
The truth is that her other paramours are probably going to let her down once she has gotten past the new relationship high. While I understand the appeal, it’s always difficult to start over.
But the ball is in his court and if he doesn’t see what he’s going to lose, she has no choice really.
I think the Dad has been posting videos on You Tube so that the kids will get to know him better and think of him more as a caregiver than just a checkbook. The problem I foresee is that the wife has also introduced or is thinking of introducing the kids to the other men she has been seeing who are younger and better looking than the husband. They may not be better people, but they are new and exciting!
Agreed. I don’t think the kids will necessarily be excited by the new men but that’s the core problem: it’s uncertain.
And it all could have been avoided if my friend would simply stop his reckless behavior and try to map out a future together with his wife.
I hope the husband opens up the communication channel with his wife soon, otherwise that family vacation the wife and kids are supposed to join him on this summer down south may be a very dis-functional family vacation. Heck, the wife and kids may even refuse to join him on vacation.
Too true. I hope so too.
Peter, I’d tell your friend that the key is communication. And part of communication is true listening. And by listening, I don’t mean nodding your head while the other party is talking.
So true. My friend definitely seems to think he knows all the answers. I can understand that as he has a very unique perspective on the relationship that his wife doesn’t have.
But the flip side is that she also has a unique perspective. I think together they have a more complete picture.
The problem with too many relationships is they one or both couples do not change their vocabulary from me to we–The two shall become one. You need to get over yourself, manage your pride, and serve one another. A sincere effort will require personal sacrifices. Otherwise, you are just married single people and it is only a matter of time.